Article by Rebecca Kriegman
Bookstore employees are overwhelmed and perplexed today by a huge surge in binder sales at the university bookstore. Hundreds of students flooded the bookstore this afternoon, violently interrogating employees and knocking down sections of pens and notepads, all in search of women-filled binders.
One student demanded a refund for his recently purchased item. He explained that there must be a manufacturing error. He asked bookstore employees, “What’s wrong with my binder? It has never cooked dinner for me! Not even once.”
As the bookstore employees tried to calm the crowds, they were met with rage. When questioned about his irritation, one business school student replied, “I have 5-point journal. It explains exactly why I need this binder. Our country needs this binder to succeed. The numbers add up despite real math. That’s all I can tell you for right now.”
Another student, clutching fourteen binders to his chest, shouted out, “Socialists!”
Struggling to keep up with demands, bookstore employees have quadrupled their orders of binders. They report a recent shipment of binders full of women that should be in sometime next week and will go for just 77 cents on the dollar.
Employees ask, “Where do we keep all these binders of women?” Student consumers are making requests that they be kept in a section where they be seen but not heard. The binders will also be permitted to go home before five to tidy up the house.
Women on campus comment, “Hey, where did you get this big binder? Let me outta here!”
The university released an official response to the recent binder craze this evening stating, “We are disappointed in the actions of our student body. At Washington University, we attempt to create a challenging intellectual atmosphere by staying on the cutting edge of social thought and technology. At best, we assumed our students would distinguish themselves with iPads full of women.”